Brasilmagic\’s Weblog

Venting to the World

Just say no to “friends with benefits”


Disclaimer: if you are a man or a woman who wants to be in a casual, no strings attached relationship, this post is not for you. But if you want to be in a committed, exclusive, genuine, safe and sound relationship, read on.

People need to learn to read the signs whether their love interest is interested in them in a serious way or just interested to have some temporary fun while they look for the “bigger better deal”. Usually, it is women who are more interested in making their relationship committed, while men notoriously have more problems with commitment. Blame it on biology or cultural upbringing, but it is a fact. However, there are some cases where a man is looking for a stable relationship while the woman just wants the party lifestyle.

One of things that is happening nowadays in our digital love era is that everybody thinks they can do better. No one is happy with what they have. People have become one more material possession. If you think you can do better than the one you are dating or seeing, you will NEVER commit to them. No matter how wonderful they are.

When you are in love and the hormones of attachment (oxytocin) are in play, it is very hard to detach from someone who is not giving you the respect you want. Not only there is the physical bonding, which is very addictive, but there is the emotional dependency. When being with someone feels good, you want more of that. When being with someone makes you smile or laugh, you get hooked. However, with time you may develop anxiety if you feel the other person is not on the page as you. The other person may not want to be with you much, has other priorities or makes others more important. The other person likes you but is not invested in you. The other person will not be there for you when the chips are down. The other person may box you into a certain day or time when they can see you, but exclude you from more important events. The other person may not contact you for long periods, completely disinterested in what is going on in your life.

“Out of sight, out of mind” is their motto.

Oftentimes, the person who is more in love misses the red flags. You don’t want to see the bad because the good feels so good. Like religion, you only care for the biblical messages that suit you and forget the vile things the bible stories condone.

One day you realize that the person you love is not giving you the signs you need to feel safe and comfortable. You see other couples and you compare. You see your friends adding proudly “in a relationship with…” on their Facebook status while your love interest hides you from their friends. You see other couples making long term plans, like travel or living together, marriage. You find out the other person has been actively been trying to find other relationships, whether online or offline. You realize that when you need their help, they find excuses. You realize that you are always wrong while others are always right. You just know that the moment the person you love finds someone more appropriate (in their eyes), they will drop you like a hot potato, with no remorse.

Many times the “friends with benefits” becomes a downright “booty call” system, where your love interest just calls you from time to time late at night when they have no better plans. There are no invitations done in advance, nothing planned ahead of time, nothing that includes his or hers friends and family.

You know something is not right and you start feeling bad about it.

So what do you do? You stay, because you have hope. Women in particular, are extremely hopeful creatures. They think their partner somehow has feelings for them and they will “see the light”. But they never do. There are rare cases where people decide to become a more committed partner, but it is not the norm.

If more women stop allowing this behavior what are players going to do? If men or women who are not being taken seriously STOP ENABLING people who are not treating them as a priority what will happen? Two things will happen:

1) Their self esteem will increase and they will be in control of their lives, opening up to better relationships.

2) By not playing the player’s game, players will have to step up their game, because they will not find any more willing participants. Either they will have to be alone or they will have to change and try to be more committed.

A BIG sign you were just a booty call is when you end things with your flaky better half, he or she will not attempt to contact you or repair the relationship. He or she will not try to convince you to stay or fight for the relationship. Because in his or her mind, you were just convenient for a time period. Basically, your flaky romantic partner was not in love with you. They will actually feel completely indifferent that you are gone.

So women, if you continue enabling non committal men, they will continue to create havoc in your life and feelings, as well as the next person after you. If you don’t want to be friends with benefits, if you don’t like to be hidden, don’t stay. Run. Respect yourself. Say “F*** that!”

Just say no to “friends with benefits” and watch the players die out just like the dinossaurs after the asteroid killed all their food sources…


September 5, 2013 - Posted by | Psychology, Relationships | ,


  1. “Respect yourself.” Perfect. It’s hard for me to respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself. And any man who doesn’t respect you isn’t worth your time or your heart.

    Comment by kevinmfromfl | September 5, 2013 | Reply

  2. I hope women read this article and understand that are body’s and hearts are worth so much more than one or two nights of intimacy…
    I’m sick of meeting guys only wanting this type of relationship, though I don’t blame them after witnessing myself how most women behave these days it’s no wonder guys don’t see the point in commitment…
    I’m proud to be old fashioned, than be known as easy!!
    Come on girls sort it out please!!

    Comment by Holly | September 23, 2013 | Reply

  3. Its a two way street. Women respect your self, men respect your self. A man of character does not take advantage of women. When a man starts trying to see if he can take advantage of me, I end the ‘friendship’. If they are shallow and self absorbed, why should I date them. I believe in mutual happiness, mutual respect, mutual effort.

    Comment by Josi | September 28, 2013 | Reply

  4. There is only the problem: sometimes it’s hard to sort out the players from the non players. Because what happens a lot is that the woman will be blinded by the player’s moves and honestly think it’s love. By the time the player is revealed, she’s exposed herself to him. Also, some players enjoy trying to break the hard to get barrier, and leave the game when the barrier’s been broken.

    Comment by Rita | November 13, 2013 | Reply

  5. You are correct regarding the improved self-esteem from getting off the crazy-making that comes when one is “in-love” with a “player.” Having been through this, I felt that…and more. I am in a place where I’m grateful to her for what I’ve learned about myself. And importantly, I’m not going to settle for being put on her shelf and taken down at her convenience. No more female players for me!

    Comment by markfabiano | December 10, 2013 | Reply

    • Yes Mark, we learn a lot with players, and the biggest gift they give us is learning the signs so we can avoid them early on with the next person. It is “soul” crushing to be involved with someone who is just using us for whatever their agenda is. Many of these people are dangerous narcisists. There is always someone genuine who wants us!

      Comment by Brasilmagic | December 10, 2013 | Reply

      • It is soul destroying indeed, I fell for it myself, seemed such a genuine guy, though all along I was just a porn in this game.
        I have though as you say learned much from it about myself which I am now grateful this experience has happened to me…
        However I still stick to what I said before after learning how many behave these days, ok not just women,though have many women not taken this whole we can do just as the guys do a little to far !!! That with the internet as it is, a culture of people believing they can have better is born and forming false relationships with others on line rather than the real world is just making it harder…

        Comment by Holly | December 10, 2013

  6. I’m so broken, I’m in this scenario right now. I know that it’s toxic and I hate myself for allowing the treatment. It would be so easy for me to walk away if he acted like it would bother him if I did. Him not caring drives me nuts and it makes me feel like less of a person. I’m utterly addicted to this charming snake. I just want to cry.

    Comment by Anonymous | August 22, 2014 | Reply

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