Just say no to “friends with benefits”
Disclaimer: if you are a man or a woman who wants to be in a casual, no strings attached relationship, this post is not for you. But if you want to be in a committed, exclusive, genuine, safe and sound relationship, read on.
People need to learn to read the signs whether their love interest is interested in them in a serious way or just interested to have some temporary fun while they look for the “bigger better deal”. Usually, it is women who are more interested in making their relationship committed, while men notoriously have more problems with commitment. Blame it on biology or cultural upbringing, but it is a fact. However, there are some cases where a man is looking for a stable relationship while the woman just wants the party lifestyle.
One of things that is happening nowadays in our digital love era is that everybody thinks they can do better. No one is happy with what they have. People have become one more material possession. If you think you can do better than the one you are dating or seeing, you will NEVER commit to them. No matter how wonderful they are.
When you are in love and the hormones of attachment (oxytocin) are in play, it is very hard to detach from someone who is not giving you the respect you want. Not only there is the physical bonding, which is very addictive, but there is the emotional dependency. When being with someone feels good, you want more of that. When being with someone makes you smile or laugh, you get hooked. However, with time you may develop anxiety if you feel the other person is not on the page as you. The other person may not want to be with you much, has other priorities or makes others more important. The other person likes you but is not invested in you. The other person will not be there for you when the chips are down. The other person may box you into a certain day or time when they can see you, but exclude you from more important events. The other person may not contact you for long periods, completely disinterested in what is going on in your life.
“Out of sight, out of mind” is their motto.
Oftentimes, the person who is more in love misses the red flags. You don’t want to see the bad because the good feels so good. Like religion, you only care for the biblical messages that suit you and forget the vile things the bible stories condone.
One day you realize that the person you love is not giving you the signs you need to feel safe and comfortable. You see other couples and you compare. You see your friends adding proudly “in a relationship with…” on their Facebook status while your love interest hides you from their friends. You see other couples making long term plans, like travel or living together, marriage. You find out the other person has been actively been trying to find other relationships, whether online or offline. You realize that when you need their help, they find excuses. You realize that you are always wrong while others are always right. You just know that the moment the person you love finds someone more appropriate (in their eyes), they will drop you like a hot potato, with no remorse.
Many times the “friends with benefits” becomes a downright “booty call” system, where your love interest just calls you from time to time late at night when they have no better plans. There are no invitations done in advance, nothing planned ahead of time, nothing that includes his or hers friends and family.
You know something is not right and you start feeling bad about it.
So what do you do? You stay, because you have hope. Women in particular, are extremely hopeful creatures. They think their partner somehow has feelings for them and they will “see the light”. But they never do. There are rare cases where people decide to become a more committed partner, but it is not the norm.
If more women stop allowing this behavior what are players going to do? If men or women who are not being taken seriously STOP ENABLING people who are not treating them as a priority what will happen? Two things will happen:
1) Their self esteem will increase and they will be in control of their lives, opening up to better relationships.
2) By not playing the player’s game, players will have to step up their game, because they will not find any more willing participants. Either they will have to be alone or they will have to change and try to be more committed.
A BIG sign you were just a booty call is when you end things with your flaky better half, he or she will not attempt to contact you or repair the relationship. He or she will not try to convince you to stay or fight for the relationship. Because in his or her mind, you were just convenient for a time period. Basically, your flaky romantic partner was not in love with you. They will actually feel completely indifferent that you are gone.
So women, if you continue enabling non committal men, they will continue to create havoc in your life and feelings, as well as the next person after you. If you don’t want to be friends with benefits, if you don’t like to be hidden, don’t stay. Run. Respect yourself. Say “F*** that!”
Just say no to “friends with benefits” and watch the players die out just like the dinossaurs after the asteroid killed all their food sources…
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